edited excerpt from a letter to a dear old friend:
“… so, I sent her a letter explaining that it would be way easier for me to be friendly with her if I could dismiss the huge feelings I have for her, since I know they’re going to be totally unrequited. But now I’ve been sitting around for the past few days trying to decide if I really want to do that… I mean, I really want to be able to be friends with her …and I was definitely completely content being focused on work and doing nothing else …and the pain of this unrequited love situation is just bringing up more pain from all the similar situations I’ve been through in the past, becuase I just never get over people. But I still don’t know if I want to do it. I’m really afraid that I’ll do the same thing I’ve done in the past at the end of relationships like this and deny what’s going on and keep on trying to make it work until I’m just totally exhausted and stop functioning… at which point, my only choice to get back on my feet is exactly what I’m contemplating now, my existential thing. But I don’t feel up to doing it… going through that big depression and realization again, just to get back where I was before. I don’t know what it is. It might be just that she doesn’t want me to do it, because she thinks it’s “shutting down,” but that seems like more desperation for her, I know it’s not shutting down. It’s not like this band so great that I’m afraid focusing on work and doing it half-assed is going to make me miss my big chance, I’ve been in better bands… and with the big fight between Tim and Drew right now, it doesn’t seem like that band’s gonna make it anyway. It’s not like I’m gonna go fall in love again, I’m way too afraid of this exact situation, or some other complete failure due to my broken concept of love, to let myself get that close to anyone who I don’t already have feelings for. Why couldn’t I see that things weren’t going to be any different with her? …”
and this is where I’m at. I’m ok with the idea of moving right now, because I think it might help. I fucking hate moving… really, really hate it. But I’m hoping that one of two things happens: Getting away from this apartment and these friends who sparked this phase of “living” will help me let it go and get back to my preferred lifestyle… or, if I simply can’t get back into that mindset, that the new setting and new friends keep me distracted from all the hurt.
| listening to: Blinking Lights and Other Revelations Artist: Eels |
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