my mom used to make this joke, that I’m sure she stole from some crappy weatherman, that “there will be no weather today, because the definition of weather is the change in climate and conditions, and today is going to be exactly the same as yesterday.”
well, there’s no weather in my mind; nothing has changed. I’ve talked about my state with a few people and no one has had any really good insights… well, some people have been sort of understanding, but no one has surprised me and known me as well as I know me… or really shocked me and proven to know me better than I know me. I guess I haven’t gotten close enough to anyone for them to know my mind. I know it was intentional, but now I wonder if it really was the best idea.
but the weather report is calling for some high pressure fronts to come out into the open and then eventually move out to sea. These fronts might be stubborn and try to stick around, causing some big storms and possible flooding conditions.
unfotunately, in this analogy, the weather will all happen on the outside, but there’s no telling what effect it will really have on the mind inside. My mom also used to talk about a comic book character named Joe Bfstplk who always had a dark rainy cloud over his head, hopefully that’s not how I’ll end up.
Taste test in progress. Full results to follow.
If i had $15,000 to spare… I would be cruisin’ to camp in style. I don’t think i’d be able to resist the urge to “install” a flux capacitor and a mr fusion though.
I’ve misplaced my mind. I’d like it back. If you see it, please hold onto it for me.
Obviously, I still haven’t been able to get my head back into the zone I want it in. I can’t figure that out; I thought that there was something getting in the way of letting go, but now I’m just totally unsure about the “why” and I’m trying to figure out how to “deal” with the way I’m operating now. The real problem with that is that I can’t seem to negotiate the internal battle of feelings & desires vs. existential awareness. I can’t seem to swing, or even fall, one way or the other. This internal battle and my feeble attempts to make sense of it have rendered me useless… maybe not useless, but really ineffective, in comparison to the focused and authentic lifestyle I want to be living. My focus, my hyperfocus, is broken. I have a poorer sense of focus now than I have ever had. My memory is shot, my appetite is non-existant, my work ethic is gone, my moods are erratic, my heart aches and my head spins.
And now I’m going blank again, these moments of self-awareness are fleeting and frustrating.
it’s hot here at summer camp and my job involves a LOT of physical activity. especially in the set-up and break-down of a high ropes course element… so getting in these good breaks has become an art; the correct intake of water and the least amount of movement humanly possible make the time i spend here effective in surviving the rest of the day… my view when i take a break:
Where i take my breaks at work. It is my salvation.
