Off and on, for the last couple days… briefly… I thought things were getting better in my head. I thought that maybe I was getting over this lack of focus. I hadn’t freaked out and started panicking or been bombarded with a million thoughts and feelings too loud to ignore while I was trying to do something. But, I took a step back tonight to gain some perspective… something which I can still do pretty well, thankfully. What’s really going on is that I’m giving up and giving in more. Work is so damn easy right now because it’s strictly teen center… doesn’t require the focus that the curriculum of the team building program does. I haven’t been dealing with any social situations, I’ve simply been avoiding them because I know I still can’t face them alone and I still haven’t gotten anybody to go with me to anything. Even all the recent computer issues, I tried to find fixes for them for days, but finally, I’ve accepted the fact that I just can’t fix it, so I’ll live with it until I have someone else fix it… or I’ll replace the broken part, in the case of the hard drive.
Life has been getting easier to deal with, for the same reason it did when I dropped half my web host customers. And it’s gotten easier in the same way it did when I stopped playing in the bands. It’s gotten easier because I’m not doing it. I’m not leaving the house for anything but work. Even the trip down to Warwick was really so that I could get the replacement drive and spend all weekend in the house, filling it back up with all the music I lost with the old drive. I could’ve had it delivered today, instead.
I went back to work today, after this incredibly lazy weekend… and a problem happens with one of the computers there at the end of the night… I start to freak out. I know I can’t handle it, and I look at the clock and breathe a sigh of relief, because the doors are closing in three minutes. I can shoo them all out and try to deal with it later. Then I get home and find myself in some social situations, albeit, online social situations, that I haven’t been in for almost a month… and I can’t handle them. And the computer starts lagging, and I can’t handle that. I can’t help but be drawn to this idea that giving up/shelling out the cash is the answer. I find myself giving in to these thoughts more often than not: “Buy the drive to replace the old one. Close the teen center, now; Put a sign on the computer and call it broken. Don’t say that you want to hang out sometime, even though you do. Let Mom help you replace your car. Send your computer in for repair. Go to sleep…”
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