had trouble sleeping, so I gave in and took some of whatever Sara’s big funny bottle has in it. I don’t have to do anything tomorrow that warrants a good night’s sleep… maybe it was just all the peer pressure. I think the last time I took something for a headache, it had lasted all day… this time I held out for about three days. Am I torturing myself? Possibly… but I don’t think I have any issues of self-abuse. In fact, I think of medication as a form of self-abuse. Putting things into your body that drastically and unnaturally change your mood or senses just seems wrong. I don’t know why I even started drinking caffeine again… no, wait, I do know – smelling all the coffee in the coffeehouses was too much for me, I really like coffee.
I’m sorry that I haven’t written much lately. I’ve been distracted by life and headaches and TV. I’ve actually had a lot on my mind that I should be writing down. It’s always helped me sort things out when I write them down. I have a little conversation with myself… in writing. I used to have conversations in notebooks with my friends all the time. It started, I think, at a live music venue in Worcester… because it either would have been rude to talk or it was too loud to really hear each other. Either way, we found that while I was not so good at communicating verbally, I was excellent at saying exactly what I was feeling if I was writing it down. I think I still have some of those old notebooks at my Mom’s house… though I’m not sure where they would be. I was just in the closet in my old room the other day, looking for Super Nintendo stuff, and I pulled out a couple boxes full of books, tapes, CDs, pictures and such… but only one notebook was there, and I didn’t see any conversations in it. I did get better at communicating verbally over the years, but I think I’m still better in writing, especially when talking to myself.
So what’s on my mind? Well, the magical financial security is about to run out, I fear. It was very, very unusual to have enough money to pay all the bills and such this winter. The last two years, this was certainly my lowest income period… and I was fully expecting to let some bills slip to the point of being on the verge of cancellation. Then paying them off with tax returns or by selling something again. The gas bill was the logical target, since they can’t turn that off, by law, in the winter. But the winter’s not over… and my foolish spending / debt repayment has cut into my savings drastically.
What else? Inadequacy. Once again, I fear that I am trying to fit myself into something that I don’t fit into. I am different and usually I accept and embrace and enjoy that… but there are times when I try to interact with the rest of the world and it becomes extremely apparent to me, if not everybody else, that my differences might just be too much to make this work. School was the big obvious one. I focus on one thing and do it very well, and school wanted me to be well-rounded. I was not willing or able to change to make school work. Relationships have been the other big failure. I don’t feel the same way other people do. I still believe in the separation of friendship/familiarity, sexual attraction and mate selection. I still don’t put any faith in the concept of Love tyeing those three together in a neat little package and I certainly don’t enjoy the romantic games that have been attached over the last 4-500 years. The difference is that I’ve tried, in the past, to change my thinking, or at least play along, to make relationships work… but they never do. And I’m never the one dissatisfied with it, because I never expect anything from it. It’s always been a choice to share time together and do things together and for one another, but never really anything more. I don’t have a role for someone else to fill, I don’t feel motivated by needs to be filled and I don’t give the relationship a life of its own. It’s always somewhat of a shock to me when someone wants to end a relationship with me. I’m so bad at it… and yet I still find myself trying. And I hurt people, and I get hurt.
I wish I had talked to Dad more. I know we would’ve argued, I’m almost positive of it, but we never really had any serious philosophical discussions. He was a very cerebral and brilliant guy and I wish that I had bounced these ideas off of him… not so much for advice, but just opinions or analysis. I know he once said that he didn’t like the “dark” and “existential” stuff that was on my website, and I tried a little bit to get him to expand on what parts, but I didn’t really dig too far. I know I told him in the middle of a heated argument about my grades in high school that I truly didn’t care what other people thought of me… and, in an effort to appeal to his interests, I got him a book about the international monetary system that had a kind of existential tinge to it… but we never discussed it. He probably hated it. But I would’ve liked to hear that from him and talk to him about it.
Wow, I babble quite a bit when I’m on drugs… even over-the-counter pain medications. I don’t believe in censorship, though, even when I’m drugged up… so, I’m gonna title this entry something about my low tolerance to drugs. Did you know that I title my entries after I write them? yep… almost always. Now you know. Unfortunately, they don’t seem to be making the headache go away, yet, but I think I can sleep, now. I hate to think that I might have to call a doctor about this…
