Monthly Archive for April, 2006

While driving in the rain…

Published on April 23, 2006 in Random Thoughts. Closed Tags: , .

I’ve been uneasy and unsettled and felt unwanted and unhappy and a mix of various other un-words for the past few months. It’s gotten a little better and a little worse, depending on the circumstances of my daily life… but, I haven’t been able to shake that feeling. But, today, on the way home from an hour of work at the Rock Wall, way out by Mom’s house, I felt something different. It was pouring rain and I even had the little rear wiper on the car going constantly… I was almost here, coming down one of my side streets, weaving in and out of Massachusetts and Rhode Island… and I suddenly felt different. I’m not sure I can explain exactly how I felt. It was so good, though, that I considered altering my plans and staying in my car and just driving around in the rain, for no good reason, until I was too tired to drive any more. I didn’t though, because I still felt like I’d end up somewhere where I could spend money, and I shouldn’t be doing any of that right now. So I made a quick unplanned stop at the grocery store and came home. I don’t know what it was or if it’s gone now or not, but it was nice… I liked it. It’s not like anything has changed… but I don’t feel like listing all the little things that have been running through my mind for the last few days. I just feel like relaxing and enjoying this rainy day, I guess.

    listening to:
    Mutations
    Artist: Beck

inaction and indecision

Published on April 15, 2006 in Family & Friends, Music, Photo, Web and Work. Closed Tags: , , , , , , , .

The Spotmatic that my cousin gave me has a sticky shutter… I did get the battery for the light meter and that part does work, but the sticky shutter would probably cost about as much to fix as replacing the camera with another one like it. So it might not be worth it, I haven’t decided yet.

I’ve got a three part plan of attack for my career. Step one is to approach someone about Andy’s old position, even if they’re only willing to offer some sort of assistant director position. If that fails, step two is to contact Charlie from the ropes course training/inspection/construction company about working for him or any other ropes courses that have steadier work than my Y is offering me. If that doesn’t work out, step three is a school in Arizona which offers a degree program in Outdoor/Adventure education. I haven’t been able to bring myself to accomplish step one, yet. The brand new Executive Director was a legitimate reason to delay, but I don’t think I can justify it any more.

With all the time off I’ve had lately, I’ve been itching to get out and go somewhere. Instead of taking the road trip I desired, though, I convinced myself that it was financially irresponsible. It was a total cop-out, but I’m kinda glad I did it, because I did get to catch up with a few kinda local friends that I had been ignoring a lot for the last few months. I’m still longing for the long roadtrip, but haven’t determined if I’ll have the time off that I need to do it yet. It’s hard when I barely get my schedule a month in advance and with Ropes in the state it’s in.

The new band only had that one practice, and various things, however little they’ve been explained, have prevented us from getting together again. I do really want to try playing again, but I don’t know if prying into the reasons it hasn’t been happening is something I really want to do. There’s a break-up and some other touchy stuff involved, i think. There may be another offer on the horizon, though, we’ll see, I guess.

I’ve had some new webspace all lined up for almost a month now, but haven’t decided what to move first or how to do it. Whether I should attempt the CPanel back-up idea, tweaking all the settings once the sites are in place, so that they work again… or if I should just do fresh installs and import the databases.

I don’t seem to have the motivation to get beyond the planning/contemplation stages of any of these things.

    listening to:
    Let It Die
    Artist: Feist

Spring Fever?

Published on April 8, 2006 in Family & Friends, Random Thoughts and Work. Closed Tags: , , , , .

My patterns seem complicated, but they’re really not. This time of the year seems to be the same for me all the time. At least for the past ten years, or so. I always get fed up with some part of my life and seek out some sort of drastic change. There’s usually some sort of internal conflict and then a change in direction. It was this time last year that I got fed up with my boss and my working conditions and left the branch I was at… and I decided that life, overall, was not fulfilling, so I should inject some more fun and pure enjoyment into it. And the year before that, I was also sick of the position and the boss at the branch of the Y where I was working and decided to seek work at another branch. The year before that, I was completely fed up with my boss and had already decided that not only did I not work for that Y in the summer, but that I should go apply at another Y for summer work, and beyond, if possible… and I quit my night job at Sears. The year before that, I was going crazy and getting burnt out on the unsatisfying and unappreciated life of a network administrator, and was completely ready to jump ship. The year before that… ok, I’m not too sure about that year, but I believe I was having doubts about a very traditional relationship I had gotten into, and was longing for a more authentic lifestyle. The year before that, I was totally sick of my living situation and lack of effort on the part of my friends to find a place with me, so I found myself a new apartment in Worcester, on my own (through a roommate service). The year before that, I was determining whether or not I had ADHD or the complete opposite, and deciding that school was definitely not for me… and I decided to focus most of my time on the All-Ages club in Webster. The year before that, I quit my day job at Sears and started working at the Rock Wall at the YMCA until summer camp hours kicked in. The year before that, I was failing out of school, miserable, because I was realizing that I had a serious addiction to performing music and couldn’t do it at school anymore. But the year before that was different. I was flipping out about leaving high school and got terribly depressed… almost the opposite kind of thing. I liked my life, I loved my extracurriculars, I enjoyed the company of all my friends. I was fearing change, at that point, not seeking it out. There are a lot of things in my life that still don’t change and that I don’t want to change… my apartment, for example, I don’t want to leave it… even last year, when I was considering it, it was only because I theorized that it might help; I didn’t really want to leave it. There’s always been that kind of conflict, even ten years ago, when I didn’t want to leave high school; I was certainly sick of the classes, the grades, the teachers/administration and the small-town life in Dudley.

Anyway, here I am again, seeking drastic changes. If something better doesn’t come through at the Y I’m at, soon, I will seek out something elsewhere, or change directions entirely. A relationship went sour, partly due to my doubts that I could even successfully be in a relationship. I am yearning to play music again, which might conflict with some of the drastic job choices floating around in my head. And that part of me that wants to take pictures all the time is coming to the surface, especially with the gift of that old Spotmatic from my cousin, sitting in the living room. I am in flux, but I’m not seeking stability. This is my time to step back and get that perspective that I enjoy being able to see. This time, especially when I was in school, has always been a time of very little productivity. Unless, of course, you consider late night/early morning insomniac psychobabble and bad photography to be productive.

    listening to:
    King James Version
    Artist: Harvey Danger

weird dreams

Published on April 7, 2006 in Family & Friends and Random Thoughts. Closed Tags: , , , , , .

I was on a roll when it comes to remembering dreams last night/this morning. I never remember the whole thing, but the bits and pieces that stuck with me this morning were pretty amusing.

The last one simply proved that I watch too much sci-fi; Something about sneaking onto the an alien planet on the back of one of their ships. I remember that when I was on the back bumper, or whatever, of the ship, I was talking to someone, and looking at some sort of computer monitor mounted back there. Then I saw some little compartments and asked whoever I was talking to if the driver might see some kind of “Trunk Ajar” warning. I opened one of the little ones, and it was pressurized, and then the computer monitor went out. We flew into a hangar with a giant pool of water instead of a floor and I jumped off the ship into the water. I guess I managed to hide down there and avoid a couple close calls. I don’t remember how, but I got out and into the main building. There were aliens and humans there, but the humans seemed to be slaves or pets or something. The aliens did almost everything by telepathy or telekinesis, but it wasn’t a special skill of theirs because I immediately started developing telepathic abilities as soon as I started talking with people. I also used these new and developing abilities to learn the language on their computer consoles. Then came the funny part. I was reading about the schematics for the planned Alien version of the iPod. The main changes were the user interface being changed from the click wheel thing to some sort of telekinetic thing. I think I was either planning on using the iPod to somehow destroy them or somehow use the information about the conversion process from click-wheel to telepathic interface. I dunno, ’cause i woke up.

Before that one, I had a sorta funny one about death, or some sort of Beetlejuice-like waiting room… except cleaner and sort of like a bank. We were under the impression that getting out the door would mean that we were alive again… and there was some hints about getting out of the waiting room during some past encounter. This time around, we apparently hadn’t really died anyway. We had just gone there to try and convince someone to let our superhero friend come back to life. Our idea was that since he had died in costume, we could just leave the costume and the superhero dead and let the secret identity live. I dunno how that one that one ended either.

The first time I woke up, I remembered a dream unlike any I’ve had lately. It was a very strange dream that I don’t remember much from, but the two or three pieces of information I retained were weird. The first is that my Dad was dead. My dad’s been alive in a lot of my dreams, lately. Usually having something to do with cars. But this time it was him dead, or dying, and it had something to do with a car accident (which is probably how we all expected him to die someday). The only other thing I remember is some other woman being very angry that we occupied a surgeon for him when whoever she was there for needed one.

Waking up three times during the morning and remembering dreams probably isn’t the sign of the best sleep cycle ever. I didn’t happen to check the clock after any of them.

plans, or lack thereof

Published on April 6, 2006 in Random Thoughts. Closed Tags: , , .

The past couple weeks have been interesting. I’ve had lots of loose plans to do things here or there or with certain people. Some of those things happened and some did not. I wasn’t ever upset when plans fell through, though, since it meant the possibility of more precious me time. This past week has been the most interesting, since I had no car and was at the whim of whoever decided to come around or pick me up and drive somewhere. It was kind of fun to have no plans and just float around. I think I have one more week where I can get away with such behavior for a few days in a row. I don’t have the funds to justify a big road trip half-way across the country, but I’m considering some little day trips. Driving today, after not driving for so many days, was really nice and I’m ready to take ride or two.

Even more stranded

Published on April 4, 2006 in Random Thoughts. Closed Tags: , , .

I am without car for a couple days… don’t even ask why. Actually, this doesn’t change the fact that I will be home unless otherwise specified on my calendar, barring unplanned kidnappings by my cousins. So I suppose this is not even worth bringing up. If I am stir-crazy by the time I get my car back, I may use the six days in a row I have off from work to leave the area. Feel free to suggest a destination.

Estate Sale

Published on April 3, 2006 in Computers, Family & Friends and Photo. Closed Tags: , , , , .

Watching my cousin and his friend sort some old dead guy’s record collection, while I play on his brand new MacBook Pro brings up a mixed set of feelings. My cousin is older than me, as all of them on my Dad’s side are. I’ve always looked up to them and, at various times, emulated various cousins. I’ve never really gotten into the vinyl thing or the jazz thing that he seems to be into, but I respect it. I certainly admire all his gadgets and technology… and the fact that his HDTV and Xbox360 and other audio and video components are all upon a plain steel rack you’d find in the kitchen of a restaurant or my old server room at my tech job. Even things I’ve only done once and thought about dabbling in, like scuba diving… He seems to know quite a bit about it, and has a whole closet full of gear. I can see why I’ve emulated cousins like him: He’s supremely cool. And not just cause he has bunches of cool stuff. He’s a really cool guy. Hell, he just gave me little wireless mouse for my laptop, an old camera like the one I learned on and grilled cheese; He’s just cool. I’m not really into emulating anyone anymore, but clearly, I should be hanging out with my cousin more often.

    listening to:
    Irresistible Bliss
    Artist: Soul Coughing

post break-up routines

Published on April 1, 2006 in Random Thoughts. Closed Tags: , .

Catching up on me time, on alone time, is always a little different. It’s a step above a mental health day, since it always takes much more than a day. The timing is ok, since I have more than a month before more regular work picks up again. I don’t think I’ll be doing anything drastic, like painting my room. Some future job-related decisions have been running through my head, which seem sort of drastic, and I’ve been more willing to consider them, but I’m not ready for any drastic moves yet. Even getting out and working or hanging out with other people has been something I’m really only feeling up to doing in small doses. So today, since that All-Day Pixies Listening-Fest, that was planned with a couple of the new band members, seems to have been pre-empted by hanging out with their significant others, or something, I will continue to catch up on me time by watching a bunch of Starz On Demand. I still wish I had Showtime On Demand, maybe I’ll look up where or who I can complain to about that, too.