I don’t feel like putting in the effort anymore, so I’m going to have to be content with not having a life. I’m not going to try and make plans with people anymore, because it seems that those plans just aren’t going to ever happen. So instead of making plans and having them fall through and then sitting around and wondering whether it’s all because people don’t want to hang out with me. I’ll only go out to do things I feel comfortable doing alone, which isn’t that much, unfortunately. I am not going to try to plan anything anymore, I am not good at dealing with the letdown and rejection. I won’t turn down offers and invitations, but I just can’t make any of my own. I’ve been thinking about it for a few days, but it really hit me, for some reason, while I was leaving Dudley. I took the route through Webster, which I usually don’t do, because I really hate that town and sometimes it makes me physically ill. As I was getting out of downtown and then a couple more times on the way home, I got images in my head of me escaping some sort of zombie town, right out of a Romero movie. And I didn’t fall asleep watching zombie movies last night, either.
I drove by a movie theater earlier today and started thinking about the act of going to see a movie more than once. Right now, I could never forgive myself, financially, for doing such a thing. Thankfully, I’m not the type who enjoys watching most things more than once. The exceptions, though, I can watch a hundred times in a row and never grow tired of them. I guess this is why my DVD collection is so small and most of the TV episodes I download disappear to the recycle bin shortly after viewing them. The sci-fi channel stuff that I enjoy, I simply can’t get enough of, but, as blasphemous as it is, I don’t like watching the Star Wars movies again. I must’ve watched the first season of Weeds three times, and I would still watch it again. And then there’s my collection of favorite “dead” shows; I can watch Dead Like Me, the Dead Zone and Six Feet Under as a marathon that spans multiple days. Sean Callery and I are related somehow (2nd cousins, maybe?), and he does all the music for the show 24. I definitely enjoyed the first season, when we were all very excited for him and watched every episode on the night it came out. I’ve really wanted to go back and watch them again, so I can really listen to the music this time around, and maybe watch some of the other three seasons that came out, too, but I guess I’m just not as into the show enough to actually do it. So far, I haven’t found a film that Robert Rodriguez is involved in that I can’t watch over and over. I’m sure I could think of more examples of stuff I can watch again if I really tried, but I can’t think of anything else right now. I guess my music listening habits are similar; when I find something I like, I can (and do) play it over and over and over again… sometimes leaving the same CD in the car, or the same playlist on winamp, for months and months.
Speaking of months and months… I started doing the dishes today; It was way overdue. There wasn’t enough room to rinse, so I started taking dishes out of the sink to make room. I quickly filled up the entire counter, but there still wasn’t enough room, so I moved on to the floor. It was pretty ridiculous. I got a whole drying rack’s worth done though, and I plan to do another rack’s worth after putting the currently washed dishes away. I had to stop at one rack’s worth, because I was out of hot water… and the rack was full, duh. By the time I get done with this entry, the hot water will probably be fully replenished. I don’t know, though, I might not be able to resist dirtying a dish or two before I make my next bit of progress.
Looking forward to two big family meals this week. Thursday out at Plymouth… first time seeing Dad’s side of the family since the funeral, I think. And then Mom is having her brothers and whoever tags along down to Dudley on Saturday night. I could probably fast all of Friday, if I didn’t have to work at the teen center.