After digging food out of my wisdom tooth with a toothpick after every meal for the past few months… the cavity became too bad and I was experiencing ridiculously unbearable pain every few days. I lined up an appointment at a Dentistry school, since the rumor was that they did good work and did it cheap. They checked me in, took an x-ray, told me that the tooth was definitely the culprit and told me they could pull it right there and then. It was a couple students who did the actual work, and they did hit my gums with their tools a couple times, but it wasn’t an overly painful experience and I didn’t have any ridiculous swelling or signs of infection. They prescribed me an antibiotic, and I took my final dose of that today. I still have a whole that little bits of food occasionally get stuck in, but I’ve gotten really good at using the mirror on my visor in my car and a toothpick to get it out.
In other news, I got on the list at a couple more teams courses and hopefully I’ll be picking up more work. Already lined up a few days in between the usual season and summer camp. Hooray!
The long breaks between seasons make me nervous; When the new season begins, my confidence in my ability to do my job is completely deflated. Right now, we’re a few weeks into the season, and I not only KNOW that I am damn good at my job, but I’ve been doing it long enough that I should be teaching other people how to do it or running my own program or both. It reminds me of the time right after my Dad died, when I was nervous every day I had to go to work that I would just break down and not be able to focus enough to get through the day. I managed to get through every day, back then, and the only thing that I couldn’t keep up with was playing in bands. I’m not sure, now, if I just needed the time I was devoting to music to relax and decompress or if playing was actually more mentally demanding than working. Maybe it was both. I miss playing music, I want to play again… but when I feel so insecure at the beginning of each season of work, I wonder if I really have the focus to pull both off again. It’s just like all those classes, when I was in school. I feel like I can do one very well, but if I try to do all of it, I’ll end up doing them all half-assed… is this just pre-season jitters? Will I suddenly remember how good I am at being in a band a couple weeks in? Will my work or my music suffer from trying to do both at the same time? Sometimes I feel like taking some shitty office job that I don’t care about and wouldn’t have to try hard at, just so I can focus on the rest of my life. The money would certainly be more stable… but would I go crazy if I didn’t enjoy and believe in my job? I certainly felt crazy when I worked at TelecomNOW; I had to give up caffeine just to stay grounded. And I took on the Wormtown.org project while I was working there. Not only did it help me keep my sanity, by being something I believed was worth doing, but it kept me connected to the music scene, so that when The Overtones stopped playing, it wasn’t hard for me to find another band to play with. I don’t feel confident enough to try for any drastic changes… find or start an organization I believe in that I could work for full-time, all year or make a living with music by building up my chops and getting back to the point where I could sight-read and do studio work… I’d be happy, but they seem unrealistic or unattainable. I definitely feel pressure to do more, though. That is my point, I either need to do more of the work that I’m doing, that I love, or I need to do more of something else… music or something. I don’t think I’d ever feel this insecurity or lack of confidence if I didn’t have these huge breaks.
Today, I fixed a leaky bathtub faucet. I don’t think I’ve done much in the way of plumbing ever in my life… maybe taken off a faucet handle and then decided the job was too much for me or finding a leak, but then calling someone about it… or pouring drano down something. This was certainly the first time I ever actually fixed a leaky faucet. It was painless enough, even made me feel sort of accomplished.
Every time I see my prescription, specifically, the bottle with my last name on it, I think about my Dad… not some random thought, but something like “is that my Dad’s bottle?” or “Why is one of Dad’s prescriptions out here?” … defying any logical thoughts about Dad being gone for several years now, or the fact that I haven’t lived in the same house as my Dad for eight or nine years. My brain just can’t see a bottle with my name on it and think that it’s mine. Will I ever get used to having a prescription?
The ongoing health issues have prompted lots of discussion about health insurance and Sarah or I needing jobs that have real benefits. Drama being what it is around here, the discussions have often turned into fights or bouts of silent treatment. The whole thing has got me looking back into tech jobs. I cruise craigslist on a daily basis and send an occasional response to interesting looking positions; Haven’t heard anything back from anyone, yet. It’s not something I want to do. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t take another desk job unless I was being paid substantially more than I was in Marlboro… but I was probably overpaid, given my technical qualifications, at the time. Either way, I was not healthy and not happy and I don’t know what the consequences would be if I were to take such a job again. I don’t want to sacrifice my mental well-being for the chance at better physical well-being. It makes me actually take some interest in this health care reform political stuff. I guess there isn’t a chance that we’d have a universal, free-to-everyone system like the rest of the civilized world has, but it would certainly ease my mind of this issue, if we did.
Yesterday, I went to the lab and gave them a bunch of my blood so they can tell me all about my cholesterol levels and liver and kidneys and something called an A1C, which will tell me how my glucose levels have been for the last 3 months or so. I should have the results of all these tests at my doctor’s appointment on Thursday. Being diabetic has stressful moments; The first couple weeks, especially. I went through a bunch of feelings of unfairness. I thought a lot about whether I could have prevented this if I’d had health insurance and been going to regular check-ups. I felt kinda guilty for eating like shit and not doing any exercise when I’m between seasons. The fact that I don’t smoke or drink seems like such a useless health benefit, now. Just getting used to taking my blood sugar measurements and remembering to take my pill twice a day was a huge hassle. I’ve never really had a prescription, before, dealing with pharmacies kinda sucks.
I’m getting into the swing of things, now, though. I’ve made some simple changes to my diet, so far… no more regular sodas, experimenting with alternative sweeteners, making breakfast and lunch a more balanced and much more regular occurrence. Been thinking about ways to try and stay active between seasons. It’s been going well, but I guess I’ll find out on Thursday, if I have to do any more. We bought a couple diabetic cookbooks and I rediscovered hummus. I’ll really, really miss my favorite sodas, but I’m sure I’ll find a new favorite drink, sooner or later.
Anyway. The rest of the weekend included a delicious anniversary dinner on Friday night and an even more delicious birthday brunch and a party at our friends’ new house with lots of presents and even more yummy food (it’s hard to be ‘good’ when so much good food is around).
AND … instead of our usual September journey back east, we’re going to try to do a longer visit in the November~December time frame. I dunno exactly when, but around one holiday or another and a long enough visit to try and see everyone who we’ve missed on previous visits. Consider yourselves warned… more details will come as we get closer.
Camp is going well. I’m taking lots of pictures, again, but we haven’t made any decisions about where to put them, yet. If any go online publicly, I’ll be sure to post a link. I bought a timbuk2 backpack to help alleviate some near-constant back pain. It’s a great bag and quite comfortable. I still love my big messenger bag, but I’ll save it for team-building programs.
I’m also back to trains and other public transportation for the summer and have been listening to a lot of music (and Half-Blood Prince, lately, in preparation for the movie). I like how the commute in the summertime gives me a chance to reconnect with my music collection. I’d still love to replace my phone (which still turns itself off quite a bit) and my iPod and the GPS with one device… but I don’t know if I should wait for the Garmin phones to come out or just cave in and get an iPhone. So I’m still nursing my phone along and carrying both.
The wedding and trip out to Maine was fun. I haven’t really had a chance to go through those pictures and pick out the best ones yet, but again, I’ll post a link, when I do. I don’t think I have another day off until camp is over… though, I may take a Saturday, next week or the week after. I’m LOVING my Macbook pro. I haven’t completely set myself up on it and decided what programs I’m going to use for photo work and web work to replace my windows favorites (Paint Shop Pro and Homesite 5.5). It’s an awesome piece of hardware, and I’ve already used it to do some stats work for adventure ed. and it was almost a pleasant experience. I’ve definitely gotten used to the trackpad and the multi-touch-ness.
I’m also eating a little healthier. When I’m picking out meals, I constantly think of the Dead Milkmen song “nutrition,” which is fun to hum, but it’s kind of a silly song. I’ll get more into the reasons for this sudden health-consciousness when I’ve completely wrapped my head around it.
Almost everyone has experienced the phenomenon of forgetting everything you wanted to pick up when you actually walk into the store. The easy solution is a shopping list, of course, but shopping is not always a planned event. This happened to me Friday when we went to Half-priced Books. We had a few coupons… I couldn’t think of anything I wanted. Maybe I download too much of my music and books, but I was completely blank. I looked around online today and found some stuff I’d probably enjoy picking up… mostly recommendations by Cory Doctorow and other BoingBoing writers. I’ll have to make a list if I plan to remember them all, I know I’ll blank out again if I don’t… we’re planning a return trip on our way to the movie theater to see Monsters vs Aliens in 3D.
Been trying to keep myself occupied while Sarah is off at her photo/web design/newsletter gig. I’ve done a lot of Mac shopping… not for the eventual replacement laptop(s) for our old limping ones, but to replace the G4 that’s been my trusty backup since sometime in 2001. It’s always been quirky, being a mac, but now it’s just plain unstable and Sarah and her mom and I all use it a fair amount. Sarah will probably end up doing most of her work it, since her laptop can’t really handle much. It’s crashing about once or twice daily. I don’t know what’s causing it, and it’s never actually crashed while I was using it, but I shouldn’t expect wonders from a machine with so many weird hardware upgrades. I’m not in a place where I can invest in a new Intel mac to replace it, so I’ve been browsing craigslist and ebay for decent G5s. It’ll be sad to retire the G4. Maybe it can be made stable and live on in some semi-retired state. It is kinda loud, though, might not be worth it. Maybe I can find a home for it.
In other news, Thursday, the Mazda is getting an oil change and the master window switch replaced, again. The first time it was because the Auto button wasn’t working. Then the replacement made the right rear window non-operational. It’s been a long process, and a learning experience, since I’m now on my extended warranty and have to pay money for repairs. I also have to pay a whole bunch of money to have my windshield replaced. I woke up, Sunday morning, to find a starburst and cracks branching off in multiple directions right at the top center of the glass. Illinois doesn’t have that nice separate glass policy that Massachusetts did… so I have to pay my full comprehensive deductible. I’d say that maybe I could get some cook pictures of the work in progress, but we’ve lined up sealcoating for the driveway for the same day, and that smell gives me an almost instant headache that lasts for a whole day.
Tomorrow, I think I get rained on during our first day trip of the season.
I hate the paperwork related to the every day operation of the adventure ed. program. It’s just like homework, when I was in school. I did the work already. The team is progressing. Why do I have to write about it? Boo homework. I don’t mind doing the survey result statistics, because the whole reason we do the surveys is for comparative statistics… but the journals don’t help the team at all. Boo homework.
In exciting/fun news, one of Sarah’s polaroids from our trip back east is shot of the day on Polanoid … she even gets a gift card! Woot!
I need new strings. A string on my bass broke last night during practice… I hadn’t bought strings in so long, I must’ve thrown out the last batch of old ones I took off, so I had no spares. I had to leave practice early. After I left, I suppose there must’ve been some sort of discussion, because, when I got home, I got a call, thanking me for my efforts and asking when I could come pick up my amp later this week and a few lame apologies and excuses. This isn’t a disaster, though. It was good to be playing again, but it was definitely not the right group of guys. I have a very good sense of musical variety and space and melody and they could put together interesting song pieces, but didn’t really understand the musicality I was trying to bring to it. The phrase that will echo through my head is, “it sounds kinda gay when you do that, could you not do that?” I don’t think I’ve ever been told that one of my bass lines is wrong for a song. I want to believe it was just a matter of taste or style… but the songwriter dude will always be that “young, pushy and impatient guy with no sense of musical space” in my mind.
Even though I was half-relieved to be out of this musical situation, I still want to play, so I was a little upset. If nothing else, I have to go through the effort of finding musicians, again, and that’s a lot more effort than I originally imagined it to be. A little sadness and/or stress brought out all my usual urges. My first urge was the “nasty letter” … to go post on craigslist about not wanting to play with “impatient, pushy kids” and having unencumbered “freedom to use space, variety and melody” in my basslines… but I quickly squashed that idea. It was replaced with my go-to urge in times of stress and light depression: spending money. It started innocently enough, looking into the exhaust fan for the mac. But I was doing it on my zombie PC downstairs, which needed software updates… then I started looking into what kind of hardware was in there and whether I could max it out. It’s not like it was running slow at all and I barely ever even use that machine. I had an amazon cart full of hardware, when I came to my senses and realized I was stress-spending (like stress-eating, but more expensive). I can spend money today on much more necessary things, like a haircut and an eye exam and new sunglasses…. and maybe new strings.
I guess this means I don’t need to pick up my 18″ cabinet when I go back east. I should probably retrieve it from whoever has it and get it to Mom’s, so I can have it shipped out here, when and if it does become necessary. We still haven’t firmed up any definite days for the week I’m out there, but the requests for hang-out time are coming in quickly, so if you haven’t commented or eMailed me, do it soon. T-Minus 6 or 7 Days … or something like that.
I have survived the first week of camp. It’s very similar to last year. A few more kids and a few more staff; a little more structure, a little less “free to wander” time. I should still be able to get a lot of pictures. I don’t have a schedule of what field trips are during what weeks… or if we’re repeating any of last year’s trips, but so far, it’s been good. Riding the train and the buses to work has been ok. My cool bus pass card thing fell out of my pocket on the way to work on Thursday, though. Unfortunately, we had a staff meeting and the extra time it took me to get some cash out and break it into small bills, so I could pay for the bus, made me too late to get to CTA headquarters to get my replacement card until the next morning. I got spoiled on that card really fast; carrying cash is really annoying. I also managed to lose my hat in the same day. I’m really good at losing stuff. It’s possible that I was simply getting more and more exhausted each day of camp. I feel like I’m either getting sick or my occasional seasonl allergies are attacking my throat. Thursday morning may have been my low point. I did manage to stay awake and alert enough to take a ride out to REI and get a new hat after work on Thursday night… which I don’t think I could have accomplished earlier that week. Friday, I stayed in the city and met up with Emily and Brett and Sarah and had dinner at a place called Earwax (which was yummy) and shopped a little at a bookstore. I was still exhausted after a few hours, but more awake than those first couple days. Hopefully my body can adjust.
Today, we took a drive up to Wisconsin. We stopped at the Jelly Belly factory on the way and picked up some candy. Our main draw up there was a couple breweries that make good root beers around Milwaukee. We managed to visit both of them and bought four cases of soda between them. We also ate at a great German place that had a very tasty Sauerbraten. We walked across the street and picked up a bunch of sausage and cheese.
And now, I’m feeling a little bit more tired than I think I should, given that it’s only 9.30… so it’s definitely not just camp that’s got me so exhausted.
