existential fashion disaster

Just woke up from a weird dream. It was sort of a suspense/thriller feel, so I was kinda upset about waking up, only because I would love to know what was gonna happen next. The basic disjointed pieces were like this:

I’m in Dudley at my parents’ house, actually, outside my parents’ house and Dad is there. He tells me he’s heading somewhere, some weird location whose name I know was repeated multiple times in the dream, but that I can’t recall at all, now. He said he had to pick some stuff up, but that some people might come looking for stuff… and he started to say, “If they come, it’s…” but then he changed his mind and said just to tell them that he was out. Some people definitely came, and I don’t remember my exact interaction with them, but I do remember that they did finally decide to leave, but that there were a lot of cars in the driveway, so they proceeded to smash into many of them on their way out… one of them was in a little classic dodge caravan type thing and backed into this 80s Oldsmobile looking thing on the grass behind the house and somehow pushed it all the way across the yard and into the fence. I told whoever was standing next to me that it’s ok, “it doesn’t run.” Then he continued his many pointed turn maneuver and pulled in between some small trees onto the neighbor’s yard over their driveway and down to the road. I remember being thankful that my car (which was my current car, my Mazda 5) was parked way behind the house and out of his rage range. I was looking at some awful gold-rust colored Cadillac up on the hill that heads up to the barn and being thankful that they hadn’t hit this one. I think it was partly because it belonged to someone important to my dad and partly because that someone would’ve gone crazy and beat them up, or something. Then I was talking to someone, maybe the same person I had told not to worry about the car on the lawn, about my dad telling me where he was going and that people might come by and I mentioned where he went and they said, “oh, then he’s gone to get the paperwork.” And proceeded to explain to me that he was probably out getting whatever illiegal documents were needed to make this other guy into me, on paper. I don’t think there was good explanation why, at the time.

The next part I remember is a bunch of people gathered inside with Dad, and this guy who was going to become me, and they were all sitting around a table, maybe, but I think we were all on couches. I know that I wasn’t supposed to know about this identity thing… so there was some point in the conversation when my Dad asked if anyone had anything to say, or maybe asked me something directly… either way, I said something about not being able to ever start my own company because “he’s going to be me.” There was some shock, I think, that I knew.

And then it turned into a party, for this guy, because the cat was out of the bag, and my dad explained that he was going to take control of the Voegtlin Corporation and Companies. Somebody said something about him not really needing to be me to do that and whoever was sitting next to them said that it would be cheaper if it was inherited. I remember that I got really mad at Dad at one point, I think he had said something about playing music and not being able to start a company doing that or something, and from my position, half-lying down on a couch, threw a drumstick (a bass drum mallet, one of two I was twirling around in my fingers) at his head, though, intentionally missing by a couple inches. He paused and looked alarmed and after a while, threw it back and I caught it somehow with the other stick. I also remember that I was just lying on the couch and saying very little while this party was going on around me. At one point, this guy who was going to become me, who I’m not positive had a name until this point, was talking about how much he loved certain pills he was taking. There was lots of agreement, including from my Dad, I think… and then there was some mention of his birthday and someone said, “yeah, what are we gonna do for him on his last birthday as Eddie?”

Then some more science-fiction flair got thrown in, someone, possibly me, asked about how he was going to prove he was me, if it ever came into scrutiny, and wouldn’t it be easier to steal Ernie’s identity (my older, mostly incommunicado, brother), and so on… and while there wasn’t really any explanation, my Dad did ask me for a blood sample, and for some reason Eddie was drawing his own blood, too. And then I told them that this wouldn’t work because I didn’t take any pills and everyone took pills, so my blood would certainly show up as irregular and any investigator worth his salt could tell that (pointing at various people in the room) “you’re on…” this and that drug and “you two are both on…” these pills and so on.

And that’s about the time I woke up. Thinking about it afterwards, the weirdest parts were that I was concerned with starting my own business… but maybe I was just using that as an example of something I couldn’t do if I wasn’t me, anymore. Another thing that struck me as odd was that “Eddie” was hispanic. he sort of looked like a bald Carlos Mencia… Dad was just a little bit racist, and it just didn’t seem right to me that he would hand down his whole company to a guy like that, but it’s not like I knew the guy, this was a dream, but it did occur to me right after waking up, so maybe it was part of the dream, too. Then there’s the fact that I had my Mazda. We essentially bought our Mazdas with Dad’s life insurance benefits. And the room the party was in was not like any room in our house in Dudley. It looked like a small, white apartment… but there’s gaps, I don’t even remember Dad coming back from wherever he was, in the dream, it’s possible that we all went somewhere else between the time I found out about the identity theft and the party. Then, in true Mark Mandeville, Dream No. 1 fashion, I started wondering if any of it was true, while preparing my breakfast (Mark wondered if he would drop dead any moment from the poison he drank in his dream, while he was eating his cereal). I wondered if Dad had, in fact, set someone up as a fake me. Of course, then I remembered that Dad was not as maniacal as he was in my dream and that there was no Voegtlin Corporation and Companies to inherit.

Back in the real world, I have some sort of training for Adventure Ed, tomorrow. Not sure exactly what it’s about. But I’ve also got to finish up the stats from last season and eMail the students with the links to the pictures after the training. I miss working a little bit, but I’d much rather sit home and play Lego Star Wars on the Wii… or go out and take some pictures, but it’s still looking pretty gray outside. I put in that order for sunlight on Friday. No tip for the sun god this time, that’s for sure.

Mornings at the Y are especially boring when the basketball league takes the weekend off. The height of activity, so far, was selling a 24″ wreath. We’re pretty sure that our tree grew while it was up on the roof, on the ride home. I think we’ll be pushing furniture around this afternoon and putting it up. If my headache goes away, that is. I woke up with a little headache, and it has grown into a ridiculously painful mess. I tried drinking a bunch of water, thinking that I might just be dehydrated. When that had no effect, I tried some coffee. I don’t think it’s working, either. I’m in the home stretch, now, though.

Except for administering the post program surveys and evaluations… and entering all that data in the computers … Adventure Ed. is done for the season. I’m uploading the last of the pictures, now. I’ll probably have to put together a CD of them all organized into folders again for the kids, my coworker Antoinette or both. I should probably do that this weekend, so I can give CDs to the facilitators and teachers this week… just in case eMailing the students doesn’t go as planned.

Got a big dinner in the works for tomorrow… helped prepare some desserts for baking this afternoon/morning. I always feel really full after the Adventure Ed. overnights, so the idea of a big meal isn’t all that appealing right now, but I’m sure I’ll be hungry by tomorrow. A couple years ago, I went a little moblog crazy on Thanksgiving. Life was pretty different back then. I won’t deny that it’s fun for me to go back and read old posts. Especially the ones where I’m not doing as well as I am now. I was whiny and depressed a lot, probably terribly uninteresting reading for all of you… but fun for me, ’cause things are so much better now. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel ridiculously tired and on the verge of non-functioning after work some days, but now it seems like it’s a justified exhaustion instead of just not being able to focus or just having a broken head.

I guess this day will continue to be a defining day. I can pretend it was all a bunch of circumstances having to do with getting a random day off and being assigned dinner-duty and not wanting to cook a half-assed meal and a mini-argument that led to not having a ride and therefore walking about 9 miles to pick up my car… but the truth is, I think, I just needed some time on this day to be alone and clear my head. The walk was good for that. No really defining things actually happened, but it was a good head-clearing time. I sort of wish I’d taken a ride to Bedford to visit Dad’s grave while I was home. I’ll put it on the list for next time.

I love it when science says I’m right… or in the right… or at least not all that abnormal. The study that one of today’s ars technica stories talks about seems to mesh well with the way I operate and have always operated. Both consciously and subconsciously, I always try to finish what I’m doing before letting anything distract me, because I know that letting those distractions in will make whatever I’m working on fail, or at least become half-assed, in comparison to what it could have been. I’m extremist, obviously, in that I purposefully avoid such distractions and/or put off things that might be important when I’ve prioritized something that may be less important [in someone else's eyes]. While reading the article, I couldn’t help but think about the tests I took at UMASS, and my ADHD diagnosis (based on the fact that I prioritized the classes I liked to the point of ignoring the ones I didn’t, because they were distractions). I also thought of the brilliant Crimethinc poster about ADD.

I was lying down in bed the other night, when I thought bout the fact that I’ll be turning twenty-nine. The number hadn’t occurred to me, yet. It’s a big number… a close-to-thirty number. Somehow, the fact that the numbers use less characters makes it seem like the worst is over. XXIX. That’s way better than. XXVIIII. It’s the difference between, almost to something cool and fuck, that’s a big number. We just don’t do cool things to our numbers anymore. I’ve never worried about getting old, and I certainly don’t feel old. I just don’t like how big twenty-nine feels.

Speaking of my birthday [I told you I'd think of more], I thought of something else I could use:

a brightly colored case for my glasses/sunglasses. In my car, with it’s mostly black interior, I often can’t find my glasses until I’ve stopped and dug around the back for a while. If it’s got some cool feature that makes it stick or mount or clip somewhere, making it even harder to lose, that’d be great, too… and if it’s even a little more sturdy than the crappy cases Lenscrafters gives out with their glasses, I won’t worry so much.

And now, because it has been requested (via mom, from several family members, at the very least), I’m going to attempt to write up some captions/stories/explanations to go along with the images in my calendars. This sort of reminds me of a website I used to contribute to called Themestream. I could put photos up there and get critiques from people, but they had to be accompanied by 500 words of text, since it was originally a writing based site. Adding those descriptions seemed like a lot of work at first, but it was sort of fun by then end. I hope that goes this way, since I’m about to write 26 such descriptions. Anyway… here they are. And the calendars are both still available at Cafepress, i you didn’t get one (or wanted the other one).

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Cover (Original Calendar): Worn. Taken in Olivia’s parents’ backyard in Newtown, PA. I thought these flowers, even with their obvious imperfections had some sort of strength. I put it on the cover because that’s how I feel about a lot of my photography. It may not be a beauty in the obvious and traditional manner, but there’s something about it that’s likable.

January: Drip. Taken after a particularly treacherous adventure in my van, to a show at a VFW hall in Grafton, MA. The roads were about as frozen as everything looks in this shot. Chosen for January for weather reasons.

February: Baby. Taken at a restaurant in Blackstone, MA, the day I met this Baby. Her name is Diamond, and she’s no longer a baby. She’s the oldest daughter of my old friend Sarah Green, who I had lost touch with for several years, before randomly finding out that she lived 5 minutes from me… this restaurant was about halfway between us and we met there for breakfast.

March: Cover. This was taken while driving, somewhat dangerous, I know. I think I was on the way to work in Marlboro at Telecomnow… or perhaps that’s just a subconscious association I put with it after the fact. I was amused at the logo of Sherwin-Williams, so blatantly ego-maniacal and full of undertones of manifest destiny. The fact that it was red, white and blue just made it irresistible to me. Such a glowing example of american corporate ideology… ‘we’re a paint company and our goal is to paint the whole world. GAH!. Probably chosen for March because it was taken in March. (sorry to say that I no longer have the original or any copies of this photo anywhere except on Cafepress.

April: Eggs. Taken at MaryBeth’s house in Webster, MA, on the weekend of Easter, probably, because we were definitely about to dye those eggs. There was a pretty large group of us there, mostly friends from high school, a good four or five years after we graduated. Chose for April due to Easter ties.

May: Road. Taken from a dam in Connecticut (the name escapes me), overlooking an abandoned road with a large section that’s gone… flooded, washed out, former bridge… I dunno. It was a favorite spot for me and Mark to go take pictures. Chosen for May because it was probably taken in May.

June: Shadow. Taken at a park in Pennsylvania, somewhere near Olivia’s parents’ house. The dog’s name is shadow. I have a similar image to this one, but not the exact one, in my gallery. I don’t remember if this was taken on the first trip down there or the second. We got stuck down there for an extra week or so, due to car trouble, so we had lots of time to hang out and take photos of dogs and dams. Chosen for June because I think it was taken in June.

July: Playground. Taken at a playground in Woonsocket, RI. This was a day when I drove down to Woonsocket with Mark and met Candace and Drew in the park. I think Drew and Candace lived in Woonsocket at this point, but I might not have moved in yet. Chosen for July because it was probably taken in July.

August: Swim. Taken at one end of that closed/fooded road that the Sunset/may photo was taken. I liked his puzzled body language and the obvious problem. Chosen for August because it was probably taken in August.

September: Red-handed. Taken at the after-school day care program I worked at in Woonsocket. This was our activity on 9/11, the year after it happened. This little girl was a trouble maker, and I couldn’t resist the Irony of catching her red-handed. Chosen for September because it was probably taken in September, and because it seemed patriotic enough that I wouldn’t draw anyone’s wrath for dismissing 9/11.

October: Playground. Taken on the street I lived on in Woonsocket (though possibly in North Smithfield, that far down). I remember wandering around and trying to get some good foliage photos one of the first years I lived in Woonsocket. I might’ve gotten a couple, but my weakness for arrows drew me to this. Definitely taken in October.

November: Pumpkin. Taken in Mom’s backyard. This pumpkin had grown out of her compost pile from “last year’s seeds.” I think she wanted a picture of it, and I really liked how it came out. This is in November because Cafepress messed up the original November image, and I have no record of what it was. I did find the original list of who was going to get copies of this calendar, though, and my friend Erika was on it, so that might mean it was going to be this one of her, but I don’t remember.

December: Mug. Taken in the Kenmore Diner in Worcester, MA. All I truly remember about taking this photo is that I was incredibly tired at the time (this is a diner that is specifically open after last-call, for that sobering-up crowd. I remember that my head was actually at this angle, and I was staring at my coffee mug for some time before I pulled out my camera and took the shot.

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Cover (New Calendar): Bridge of photographers. Taken in Yosemite. You had a pretty good view of ElCapitan from the bridge, and that’s why all the photographers are squished over to that side… including Sarah. Put it on the cover to show off my girlfriend and for the irony of a bunch of photographers on the cover of something full of a bunch of photography.

January: lsda. Taken in the camp office of one of the YMCAs I worked for. This brand of lock seemed to be on everything at that Y, I’d seen them all over, but this one ws very striking… posing in the bright sunny spot on the desk.

February: Taken on the way to work in North Attleboro, MA. The sagging half of the barn is gone, now. I actually took this with a friend in mind who needed to make a jigsaw puzzle out of a photo to demonstrate the capabilities of the photo lab she worked for.

March: three. Taken at Roger Williams Park Zoo. These are radiated turtles. I was at the zoo with Olivia for her visit, for some good photography subjects. Chosen for March because there are three of them.

April: Stepped out of my apartment door one day (in April)… immediately ran back upstairs, grabbed the camera, ran back downstairs and shot lots of pictures of the pretty flowering trees. The winds had blown most of these petals away in a matter of 24 hours. I might have been late for work that day… but it was worth it.

May: Waterfall just off the road in Yosemite. Very easy to miss, I just happen to be looking that way on the way out to our goal. Sarah missed it, so I took her back to it and surprised her on the way back.

June: Taken at the zoo that Sarah brought me to when I visited her in Chicago for the first time. The kids and the exhibits were moving pretty fast for such a low light condition, but I managed to come away with something that looked okay. Chosen for June because it was taken in June.

July: Taken at a beach at Big Sur during our southern road trip from San Francisco. Wish I could’ve taken more pictures on the Pacific Coast Highway, but in order to get to this beach in time for sunset shots, we couldn’t really stop too many times. Chosen for July because it was taken in July.

August: Moon Bear at the Roger Williams Park Zoo in Providence, RI. There were a lot of foggy, plastic windows to view the animals through, but the rocks were ow enough and I was tall enough to grab this shot without the blurry plastic between us. Chosen for June because it was taken in June.

September: Former mill/factory in Putnam, CT (or somewhere between N Grosvenordale and Putnam). It was quite a landmark, as route 12 had to zig zag around it. Definitely a place where I had stopped and snapped off shots when I was in high school… but then I drove by it again, after not having traveled route 12 for a while… and all that was left of the mill was the smokestack and the tower… and a lot of nice lue sky in between.

October: The Sutro Baths ruins, in San Francisco were such an interesting place to wander around with a camera. None of the pictures really captured the huge feeling that place left you with, but some of them were pretty neat, anyway.

November: Crunchy. While Olivia was in Woonsocket, we were lucky enough to get breakfast at the “shiny diner.” One of their specialties was this yummy dish, called Crunchy French Toast. Essentially, just french toast with cornflakes all over it… but so good. I grabbed Olivia’s camera to take this shot, as I didn’t have mine with me.

December: Taken at the teen center in North Attleboro, MA. These cookies, made from Nutter Butters and melted white chocolate, with mini chocolate chips, mini m&ms, red sprinkles and white chocolate chips, were a popular holiday project for the kids. Everyone who helped out took a small plateful home with them to contribute to their family’s after dinner treats.

Feeling generous, or really, really generous? Threadless gift certificates are always a good idea, too, especially with the big sale going on. I’m gonna work on getting the Amazon Wishlists built into this site. I tried a little bit, today, but I think it’s beyond my current mental abilities. Maybe after some more sleep.

After my sixteen hours of driving, I came home to a cold and smelly apartment, due to the food in the fridge not getting eaten and the windows being left open. Then, when I woke up and tried to get dressed, I realized that a piece of the ceiling had fallen in my closet… there was dirt and stuff everywhere. I thought I had heard something in the middle of the night, but in reality, it could’ve happened anytime in the last two weeks. I wonder if animals from the attic came down to investigate my closet.

Thanksgiving was very different this year, but definitely fun. Christmas should be fun; Sarah is going to come out and spend the weekend with me for Mom’s family feast thing. The holidays last year seemed to be all about adjusting to having them without Dad. This year, I think I’m so distracted by the move to Chicago, that I might forget to really enjoy them. The plan is to have everything cleaned out and be completely moved when I fly out there on Christmas day. Hopefully, the cleaning will go smoothly. Today was supposed to be my day to rest before cleaning, but it turned into a 12 hour workday, instead… bummer.

Some small threat of rain combined with nonavailability of certain staff have pushed tomorrow’s high ropes day all the way to Friday. That means I have the whole day off. I haven’t picked out my next book yet… so I guess I’ll have to actually do some stuff. There’s a bunch of packing I need to do… but I am as unexcited about moving stuff and furniture as I am excited about actually going to Chicago. Did that make sense? I know it doesn’t really make sense, but grammatically? Who knows. I think if I start digging into it, I’ll get it done and be happy about it… so far, I’ve just had little bursts of motivation and taken care of one little section worth of stuff at a time. That’s not the way I do things when I really want to get them done. Hopefully, that will change, tomorrow.

I’ve been fairly upbeat and happy lately, mostly due to the prospects of seeing Sarah very soon, scouting jobs out there and moving there… only a few things of have brought my mood down: Wendy’s getting my order wrong; Why even offer a vanilla frosty, if you’re gonna give me the chocolate every time? TV show season finales being all cliffhanger and no resolution; I understand wanting to hook us in for another season, but really, they’re sacrificing content just to set up the anticipation. And no one wanting to sublet my apartment… I really don’t want to move this furniture.

listening to: Thirteen Tales From Urban Bohemia Artist: The Dandy Warhols

I found out, from my high school’s myspace group, of all places, that the [principal and then] superintendent from my days there has died. He was a pretty awesome guy, and I’m kinda sad. He was the guy, right when he got that acting superintendent position, that me and my friends went to after we got guns pulled on us on school property. He took care of us and made sure that whole situation worked out for us and we felt safe and got an acceptable resolution. My favorite memory, though, was one morning, during my senior year, when a couple of friends and I skipped our morning classes and went to a breakfast buffet with him… and he paid! I also remember helping Stew, our band director, stage a silly slideshow and ceremony, including embarrassing presentation of cake and t-shirt, complete with smoke machine and lights… all for his 50th birthday, and we brought a whole lunch period into the auditorium as an audience.

Speaking of social networking sites, I’ve signed up for a Facebook account. The threadless group is what originally drew me there, but I’m actually fairly impressed with the features that set it apart from the other popular ones. Any of you on there? Add me as a friend, I only have one, right now.

I’m going through another Vonnegut reading fit. It’s all re-reading, but it’s been many years since I’ve read most of them. The plan was to read a few Vonnegut books, to get me back into reading, since I know I like them… and then read some new stuff. I haven’t made the switch.. I’ve got some ideas and suggestions, but I haven’t gone out to pick up anything new, yet. I’ve devoured four Vonnegut books, now. A couple more couldn’t hurt, before I start something else, right?

Sara (the roommate) has found a new place to move into with her boyfriend… so I am going to be roommateless very very soon. Sarah (the girlfriend) would love it if I moved out to Chicago with her; I would love it, too. So I’ve started the tedious task of figuring out how much of the ridiculous amount of stuff that I’ve accumulated while living in Woonsocket is going to come with me. Sarah’s parents’ place doesn’t really have enough extra room for all of it, and I certainly don’t need all of it… until we get a place of our own. So, I’m starting to make lists: Things I can move out there soon, stuff that has to wait until the last trip, things Sara (the roommate) will take with her to her new place and “borrow” until I need them, stuff that should be stored at Mom’s or somewhere out by Chicago, etc., etc., etc. I’m also asking around amongst my friends to see if anyone wants a super cheap apartment in Woonsocket… including a bunch of furniture. Any takers?

listening to: The Spine Artist: They Might Be Giants

My webhost had some issues over the weekend that might have caused you to receive some extra eMails from the site about new posts, if you’re subscribed to receive notifications. Sorry about that. I may have also been somewhat unreachable via eMail, too. That part of the problem was resolved sometime today. I weeded through a ton of eMail and I think I got through everything important. Again, I’m thankful that I have a host who tries to roll with these issues as they appear and not use them to swindle me out of hundreds of dollars. Good riddance to bad Gunnels.

Threadless printed a Bananaphone design. As if that wasn’t enough reason to go buy from them… it’s inspired by They Might Be Giants. It’s mostly from Particle Man, with a small reference to Why Does the Sun Shine? It may have other references in it, too, I haven’t analyzed every little detail. I can’t wait to get it. I also just found out that this Bananaphone gem is being printed and released, soon.

I also seem to have gotten roped into quite a few TV shows, this fall. Some, I’ve been following for years, but there are a couple new ones, as well. I seem to have something to watch every night… sometimes a couple things. Glad I have the DVR.

I should be sleeping, I just wanted to update the site now that it works, again.